wait and pray for the better

I shouldn't have let You wait. I was preparing lesson, even before that I went off to settle my studies stuff.. i know studies is important but i got too distracted and how pain it felt the moment i knew i had kept You waiting..

when i asked you questions you pushed me with your frustrations over maths..deep in my heart, i know you had this habit but somehow i just cannot just pass it..seemingly so difficult, elo did it..i must learn.. when you asked me why i follow stelle and not you, i was stuck and i didn't know what to say..hmmm is it that incident which follow suits.. i dunno..

when carmen asked me whether i have talked to her after sec four, i was speechless.. my mind tells me to say yes, trying to cheat, probably even a hi would be considered, but my heart knew that i shouldn't lie, the fact is that i didn't, i didn't initiate..i wanna be true to my feelings, to myself, knowing that everything i did or i didn't do happens for a reason, be it lazy or busy, i just know that i had to be truthful especially to myself cause i cannot hide it from God.. it kept me thinking.. firstly, God allowed someone younger to bring this out of me.. secondly, while i was happy with my saltshakers, i actually had forgotten someone whom is really precious to me and i shouldn't be forgetting her..somehow i keep giving myself excuses that i am at least close to the other cm.. but if carmen is doing it and since its really important, i dont see why i hadn't done it.. its just a talk, not so difficult.. i just had to open my mouth and ask..

its really atrocious.. i seriously cannot teach and somehow that just isn't my gift.. i always dont have the right words to say and would get really nervous when i couldn't get my message across..some gave me attention while others looked away, not paying attention..i've got both responses but still it didn't motivate me.. i really want the best for them, but somehow i just cannot love and teach them this way, i am not suitable, not capable enough. it isn't that i didn't prepare, in fact i was satisfied with it but words are definitely said easier than done. somehow i am happy with it, but to say fully prepared, okay i am not. when elvina shared about her problem in school, i really do not know what to say. somehow the advice that came from me might seem godly but it just couldn't apply to what she needs.. then what is the point right..it is just different, so different.. i tried to be a good cm, at least outside cell context, but alone with my own strength i know i cannot..

guess when all things start to crash over you, even the "thing" that i have been waiting and wanting to happen has happen still didn't have much effect.. i guess i will have to just listen, pay attention, initiate, be true to myself, wait and pray.

lengshan; shall stand strong